Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Return to Misadventures

      I am back folks!  Thats right, in true misadventure fashion I took a hiatus and didn't tell anyone about it!  Actually I forgot to tell everyone.  I blame it on the fact that my doctor took me off of my Adderall for most of the summer.  I won't bore you with what occurred during my brief break.  Most of it is a sad tale of woe and would not be in keeping with the hilarity that is me so I will simply jump right into today or should I say, this mornings misadventure...

      Today was a trying morning in the Cardinal household.  Mr. Man came into my room way before the butt crack of dawn and woke me up with his flopping around.  Little Miss had troubles understanding the concept of crazy hair for crazy hair day at school which resulted in a big mother daughter brawl that sent Cowboy off to his 7:45 class in a foul mood and me to the couch where I fell asleep and thankfully didn't miss sending Mr. Man out to his bus stop.  Hopefully my afternoon and evening will be better.

      That is the shortened version of my misadventure.  I guess the fight with Little Miss could have been avoided if I had not mumbled under my breath that for a school volleyball player her school spirit was nonexistent.  I told Mr. Man he was no longer allowed to come into my room in the middle of the night until he could teach his arms and legs to stay still.  And last but not least Cowboy doing what he does best, not only did he voice his annoyance at the mother daughter brawl but also unleashed a tirade about other things he was annoyed with me for that he never tells me at the time I cause the annoyance!  Like I said before hopefully my afternoon and evening are better or today will be a double misadventure post!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Kids Ask The Darnedest Things

This was tonight conversation with Mr. Man.  It started with me telling my mother in-law about her granddaughter the ever famous Little Miss getting her first period.  It also showcases how sharp Mr. Man is.  Sometimes he can be a little too sharp...

Mr. Man: Whats a period mom?

Me:  girls and adult women get it.  It lets our bodies know we are ready to have babies

Mr. Man:  Sylvia is only 12 she is not ready to have babies yet

Me:  That is correct!  You should  be married before you have babies

Mr. Man:  Well you weren't married when you had babies

My mother in law:  Your mom and dad were too married before you were born(I want to note that she laughed when Elijah commented that I wasn't married when I had babies)

Mr. Man:  Well what about Sylvia, you weren't married to daddy when she was born

Me:  You are right bud, mom didn't do it right the first time but Sylvia being born was never wrong

Mr. Man:  Well it was wrong to me because she always calls me a jerk when I harass her and thats not very nice!

This concludes the conversation.  Tune in next time when my misadventure will be about explaining growing up and the birds and bee's to Mr. Man as I am sure that subject will be brought up next!  

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Things We Lost In The Fire

I killed the family grill today.  In true Mother Cardinal misadventure fashion, it happened at my very hands.  The hose somehow caught fire and from there it was a goner.  Thankfully I caught it in time so that it didn't have to suffer for very long.  

So for todays installment, I would like to take this moment to remember a fine summer aide to our familial nest.  

R.I.P. Cardinal family grill.  You have served us well.  You were put together my Father Cardinal 1 a.k.a  my father in-law with his own 2 hands.  You have provided us with burgers, and brats for many a birthday and created some great chops, steaks and chicken on warm late spring and summer nights.  You have been gone above and beyond your usual call of duty making great roasted marshmallows for  s'mores.  You will be missed old friend but you will never be forgotten.....(excuse me while I grab a tissue!) 

And of course I wouldn't be me without pictures of the carnage...  Oh and by the way, does anyone know where I can get a grill for dirt cheap?

The carnage I left behind

One of the knobs that melted off

A miscellaneous plastic piece from the grill

And of course the other knob fell off and melted to the bottom.  It was apparently not ready to let go

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Where It Started And Giving Thanks

They say one never forgets their roots and I have always prided myself on living that statement to the fullest, but recently it was brought to my attention that I have forgotten my roots so to speak.  I'm not talking about my African American or Mexican heritage.  What I had forgotten is the roots of what made my incredible misadventures so incredible.  I would like to take this time to remember this mother birds roots and in doing so also give thanks because its through the support of others especially one woman in particular that made this bird and my misadventures so incredible.  You might even say my misadventures are Fabbylous!

My misadventures got their start on facebook of all places.  It was shortly after one of my oldest and dearest friends made the bravest decision of her life.  It meant her children would not have the life all mothers dream of with the mother and father living harmoniously in the same dwelling, but her choice also meant her children would have the kind of mother they deserved to have.  Like the karen White song goes "I don't want to be a fool for love.  I'd rather be alone than be unhappy"  She would have rather been alone and been a strong mother to her children than remain with their father and be an unhappy shell of a person.  Not that her ex is a bad person.  In fact apart they are very good friends but sometimes good friends don't make a good couple.  They got two beautiful and unique wonder kids out of there attempt at taking their friendship to another level.

As I was saying after her life changing decision, she flew on over to my nest to rest her weary life wings for a spell and in doing so the misadventures started.  It began with our comical take on  daily life taking care of her clan of two misfits as well as mine in the same household.  Each night one of us would post an evening installment of our misadventures.  It was thoughts of those status installments that motivated me to create this blog.

To my best friend since the 3rd life time the ever Fabbylous Tanita, I thank you for inspiring this and hope to one day soon see your posts about Fabby and the Wonder kids.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Mom's Say She Darnedest Things

This misadventure is brought to by my children.  Ah those wonder kids they bring such hilarity to my life and they are the inspiration for a lot of the motherly sayings I have in life.  I have comprised a list of those that have brought great humor to me and have really helped me to navigate some pretty interesting misadventures thus far.  I will also give a brief explanation as to how the saying came to fruition so as not to create a misadventure in reading this blog entry.

  1. "Ask me no requests and I'll give you no denied's!"  This one came up just tonight after Little Miss requested an iPhone and Mr. Man requested and Ipod Touch.  When I suggested they start saving their money, Mr. Man whined that he wanted to use our(mine and cowboys) money because waiting to use his would take to long
  2. "Don't go digging in your nose unless you expect to find gold so you can help with the mortgage!"  This one came about during the nose picking phase I had to endure with Mr. Man. There aint nothing pretty about a 7 year olds boogers!
  3. "I'll give you a round of applause on your behind if you don't stop whining!"  This was said on a day Mr. Man was more ornery than usual.  I had reached my breaking point when I said this. The straw that broke the camels back for me to declare this was him whining that his sister didn't cheer and clap for him when he did well on the nintendo Wii.
  4. "It's illegal for minors to have whine in their system so knock it off or I'll have you arrested!"  This was said after this mom had had enough of the whining.
  5. "That which does not kill me better run pretty damn fast"  This is a phrase for when mom has reached her limit.  It gives the kids a nice warning to run and run real fast because mom is a coming.
  6. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't just see that because if I acknowledge it, you father is gonna come home to discover he doesn't have children anymore"  You don't know how many times I have said this after catching the wonder kids doing exactly what they know they are not supposed to.
Finally my favorite which I felt didn't need to be on any list.  I call it the mom answering service.  For those times when your kids have driven past crazy and you just don't want to be bothered anymore.  Simply recite this phrase...   
"Hi you have reached mom
I am not able to take your whine, complaint or request at this time
Please leave a message after the beep
This works perfectly because your kids will be so annoyed they will growl and angry sigh and walk away and not talk to you for the rest of the day giving you a nice afternoon of peace and quiet!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Just Another Day Living In The Hood

*disclaimer* in this misadventure I make mention of my mom.  Because of her love of frogs I have aptly given her the blog nickname of Mother Frog

As I type this latest misadventure the theme song to the Mister Rogers show is playing in my head.  As I continue on you the irony in this will have you in stitches!  

As a city girl born and raised the lights, sounds, and overall chaos of city is something that I miss since being out in the quiet of the suburbs.  So I would like to take this opportunity to thank the neighbors that live in that duplex two doors down, for bringing the city to me.  Nothing makes me tear up with nostalgia like the tale Mother Frog told me, of the the cops being at your home at 1 in the morning because of the fight that ensued on your property,  I love how loudly your adolescent children use every foul word in the dictionary.  I can't wait for my kids to experience knowing those words at such a young age as I did when I lived in the rough neighborhoods of the city.  The burning smell that isn't cigarettes or a bonfire that emanate from your front stoop as I walk by gives me that feeling of city home that I love.

Yes folks in this installment it was just another day living in the hood of the suburbs for Mother Cardinal.

In tribute to my neighbors that live in the duplex I present this song...

Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Misadventures of a Photo Shoot

*Disclaimer* I will be mentioning others in this blog.  To protect their identity I will refer to my niece and nephew as Red and Bubba and the photographers son as Mini Muffin.  Her fiance I will simply call her Handsome Assistant.

On this installment of my misadventures, Little Miss and Mr. Man A.K.A. the wonder kids, get their photo taken.  I should first inform you all that from time to time, my misadventures will include a shameless plug.  Hey if a service or in this case a photographer is that damn good, I'm gonna open my loud mouth and tell the world about it!

For years my best friend, and Godmother to my daughter, Lou and I have been talking about getting our kids photos done together.  My kids call her auntie and her kids call me auntie and they call cowboy uncle.  So getting a photo of all of the "cousins" is something we have always wanted to do.  Life however, as it always seems to do(damn that no good thing called life!) often pops up when you don't want it too and either she or I were not in a financial situation to afford photos or we just couldn't find the time to schedule a session.  This is where my new personal photographer comes in.  I shouldn't really call her my personal photographer since anyone can hire her services once she gets everything in order and officially goes into business in June.  However if I didn't have to share her services and could keep her talent all to myself I surly would and I'm not just saying that because I happen to have known her since Kindergarten with our first meeting in life involving her informing me that a bee stung her on the butt.  She truly is that talented and took the time to nurture her talent and perfecting it before sharing it.

Her business name and slogan reads "LIFEography by Brandie, capturing the magic of life's everyday moments"  and boy does she ever!  I already knew I had some good looking children but those photos she took of them make the wonder kids look nothing less than beautiful.  I imagine the only other time I will see my kids look as handsome and beautiful is on each of their wedding days, though I am sure having her take their picture every year they will always look spectacular!   When she says the best and favorite photos she likes to take are the unposed ones, she means it and she captures those unposed opportunities perfectly!  You know a photographer is good when the sneak preview she posts on Facebook drums up a new client.  When I met with her this past weekend to view the photo, we discussed her doing a photo shoot of Cowboy and I seeing as we only have one photo of us as a couple.  She may not have noticed it but their was a look of ease on his face when she described how the session would simply involve her with her camera observing us in a location of our choosing(she gave the scenario of Cowboy and I sitting on a park bench talking)and capturing us just being us.  Those of you reading this that know me have seen the one couple photo of us and know that Cowboy does not do well in posed photo's.  

The location for the shoot was perfect.  A place called The Dutch Oven, where Lou and I used to hang out in high school, had recently been rebuilt and we thought what better way to bring life full circle than to have the kids photo's done there.  In true preteen manor, Little Miss and my niece Red acted as if having their photo taken would plummet their popularity stock, while Mr. Man and Bubba kept wanting to pose wielding sticks in samurai sword style.  My photographers Handsome assistant was kept on his toes by their son Mini Muffin who kept trying to run towards the woods.  There was lots of chaos and our photographer had to do plenty of coaxing to get some sibling photos  but all in all it went great.  Knowing us for so long meant she wouldn't run screaming from the location after being frightened by our wild bunch.  I could go type forever about this misadventure but instead I would rather show you just how much fun we had!

Little Miss

Mr. Man
Sibling love Cardinal Clan style!


Sibling love Red Bubba style

BFF's and Cousins for life
All the kids together

BFF's for life!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Ode To The Preteen and everyones favorite "The Mom Song"!!

I would like share with you all if I may, a small I have written dedicated to the preteen in my life.  Some of you may be also suffering from this affliction known as the preteen so I am sure these words will ring true for you also.  This song will be sung in 4 part anger, 5 part annoyance and 6 part frustration.  Throughout the song I would like you to note how the anger's section is very similar to the annoyances section.  Also take note at how much stronger the volume of the frustration section is compared to the other sections.

First a brief warm up... "Grr, Ugh, AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

O loverly preteen
you are the light of my soul
now please please tell me
Why must you frustrate me so?
I beg and I plead but no completed homework or chores do I see
I beg of you to release my sanity
You defiance is great
and your attitude much severe
If you don't cut it out you are going to force me to runaway from here!
Thank you

I hope you all like that little song.  I try to make life as a mom as creative as I can.  

Now I would like to share with you all, a little something that I had the pleasure of viewing when it was posted on my online mom's group. This comedian who also happens to be a mom decided to take everything a mom would say to her children and put it to the music of the William Tell Overture.  I hope you all get a kick out of it as much as I did the first time I heard it!

Monday, March 5, 2012

A Tale Of False Advertisement

In todays misadventures, the Cardinal house was in true Monday form.  Children and parents alike coming down from the weekend.  Monday night bedtime is particularly a fun time.  That is when the epic battles of trying to get a 7 year old and a preteen to take a bath occur.  A word to the wise, never tell a preteen girl that she needs to take a bath because she stinks.  Trust be you don't want to know what the outcome of that will be! 

In typical Cardinal children fashion, Little Miss and Mr. Man were playing ruler of the bathroom sink also known as fighting over who would get to brush their teeth first.  I tried to do what any normal stay at home mom whose husband works nights does.  I promptly turned up the volume on the TV and ignored the chaos going.  I figure they were both still alive so I didn't need to intervene.  Besides all the "experts" say it's good for kids to work things out amongst themselves and being the good mom that I am, I chose to follow the "experts".  

Let me tell you there is nothing the like sound of a crash and a screaming child to make you wanna smack the "experts" with very books they have written!  It was very apparent that it was kung fu mama time and I needed to whip some young grasshoppers into bedtime shape!  Why is it that when the kids see mom approaching they both need to speak all at once or on the rare occasions they do let each other get a word in, they speak faster than an auctioneer?  Parents of only children will know all about this last one.  I being an only child for all of my childhood and most of my adult life, remember speaking that fast when trouble was amiss.

Children were screeching at me and of course the dog picks that moment to need to go outside and the two fatty cats start yowling for more water.  So I closed my eyes, clicked my heels 3 times for good measure and cried out rather loudly as only I could, that one simple phrase that mom's have been calling out for years.  Not "Lord Jesus Help Me!"  though looking back, calling for him would have been more reliable.  "CALGON TAKE ME AWAY"  amazingly a brief moment of stillness came over me.  I opened my eyes and realized that I had merely yelled loud enough to drown out the sounds of my children's tirade.

After promptly marching Frick and Frack up to bed I sat down at my computer I wanted to find the creators of Calgon and berate them for the false hope they bring to mothers daily.  I watched an old Calgon commercial on Youtube.  I saw how the tired and frazzled housewife  found herself in a luxurious bath after Crying out for Calgon to rescue her from the chaos.  I am sure when that first commercial hit, mother across the nation were cheering in delight that there was finally an instant escape to the pressures of life that are bestowed upon us daily.  What a let down it must have been for those mothers that viewed those first commercials.

So now here I sit blogging to you all in blog reader land with a letter ready to send to Calgon saved on my computer.  Do I dare send it and create another misadventure for myself?

What do you think?

Sunday, March 4, 2012

And On The Seventh Day, She Didn't Rest...

This installment involves a collection of misadventures starting with an unmedicated Mr. Man upset that his sister didn't tell him good job to the eye roll of a preteen after hearing something she deemed annoying coming from my lips. It says in the bible that on the seventh day God rested. No where in that great book does it say when us mothers rested.

Misadventure #1 involved a very unusual alarm clock...
My family is one strange bunch so it's no surprise that we have had a Homer Simpson alarm clock or the fact that my cell phone alarm clock plays a cheesy 50's sounding good morning song sounds like it belongs as the theme song of a morning news program. This morning however my alarm was rather strange. I say strange because I wasn't supposed to have an alarm go off.
The weekends are a day that Homer is kept quiet and my cell phone is on silent. This morning however the blood curdling screams of my son jerked me out of bed and in Samurai mom stance, until I heard the oh so loud yell of Cowboy screaming "What the hell is going on in there!?"
I gathered what little senses I had available this fine morning and stormed down the stairs to investigate the chaos that for once I was not in charge of. Mr. Man came running up to me with a very tear stained face. He and Little Miss had been playing just dance on the Wii and he broke his record on one of his favorite songs for this game. He looked to his sister for the praise and glory he was sure was to come and got nothing but a typical preteen uninterested in life expression.
After inquiring if she was gonna say anything, he got a response but it wasn't the one he was hoping for. Some how an "Oh yaay!" spoken in a sarcastic and very monotone voice just doesn't scream encouragement the way an enthusiastic "Awesome!" would.

Misadventure #2 will is best put in one name only ... "Miss Betty"
Thats right, for the umpteenth time of the umpteenth day of the umpteenth week, Miss Betty was making her daily visit to my home. She makes being the good Christian that I am striving to be, extremely hard. I'd like to tell her just once that today is not a good day to visit but then her whole sad sordid life story of betrayal replays in my head and for some odd reason I hear my bff Tanita's stepfather Jeff's voice in my head calling out "Thats the Devil in you!" Which I always take to mean just let the poor unfortunate woman thru the door.

Misadventure #3 turned out to be an extremely fun experience. Ever since our girls were little, My bff Lou and I have talked about getting our kids pictures done together. We have known each other since high school(about 17 years now!). She is my daughters god mother and her kids call me auntie and my kids call her auntie. Of course life always seems to happen when planning things like this and whenever we would decide to partake in this activity, something would come up for one of us that financially prevented us from doing so. This past Sunday we were finally able to make it happen. A friend of ours from high school is a semi pro photographer(she just has some loose ends to tie up to make things official) and is trying to build up her portfolio with more photo's of others outside her own kids and family. So we asked her to do a photo shoot for us. Everything went excellent. You can be sure that as soon as I get the photos in I will be telling you all in blog reader land all about it.

So there you have if folks. While most spend their seventh day in peace and solitude, I spend mine doing what I do best, having misadventures and loving every minute of it!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Being a real housewife... The incorrect way

Todays misadventure involves me coming to the realization that no matter how hard I try, I am just not doing this whole stay at home mom gig correctly....

Wednesday is lazy day for this head of house hold affairs and todays lazy activity involved watching the season finale of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills", The Season premiere of "The Real Housewives of Orange County", and watching the Ladies of the "The Housewives of Atlanta" round out their trip to South Africa. As they played the preview for next weeks Housewives of Orange County, I came to the realization that somewhere along the line I got the rules of being a housewife all mixed up.

All those years of volunteering at my kids school, never once did it occur to me that what I was really supposed to be doing was going out to dinner and other various gatherings with my girlfriends. When my bff comes over to visit with me while we await the return of our boys from school, we should be out getting manicures and pedicures while sipping wine and champagne, not sitting at my dining room table each of us going through the various paper work of our lives.

I called another dear friend that lives in a city north from me and demanded that she pack her bags and get ready for our trip to some exotic place, because after all we are real housewives and as such instead of dealing with our families, we needed to be in some foreign land dealing with which one of us gets to do the next body shot off of the hunky bartender or maybe it was deciding which one of us the hunky bartender does the body shot off of, or maybe it was if we should do one off of each other, I'm not really sure.

All I do know is that while all the other housewives in Beverly Hills, OC, New York, Atlanta, and even D.C. and Miami, are doing things the correct way, I in my Minnesota home, continue to do things incorrectly. You know, keeping my house clean without the help of a maid, cooking the family meals(no chefs for me!), and raising my kids without the use of a nanny.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I Truly Am Fat!!!

I just saw a recent picture of myself in a bathing suit. Let me just say it was yucky!!!! It's a good thing I am getting myself reacquainted with my SparkPeople account and have taken up exercising to the game "Just Dance", on the kids Nintendo Wii.

I will say this is a rather proud thing for me to write about because in the past when I have noticed how unappealing I have looked I would complain about it then go right back to warming the couch cushions with my ass.

Today was different. I really took notice of how not in shape I am and doing something about it. Though being round is a shape, just not a healthy one according to Little Miss...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Sorry For Party Rocking

If you haven't guessed by the title of todays installment, I will be delving into the mind of the group LMFAO. Their Party Rock Anthem has been the preferred song of Little Miss and Mr. Man as of late. I decided I had better get up off my lazy butt and do the good parenting thing of listening to the song and actually paying attention to the lyrics to ensure nothing inappropriate is being said, so I figure what better way to do so than to watch the video on Youtube. Not only will I be doing what I as a parent am supposed to but also be visually entertained(I hoped).

The song itself is very upbeat and danceable and nothing in the lyrics indicate that Bitches and Hoes in different area codes need to take their shirts of and spin them while dropping it like it's hot and shaking their money makers. Already I was liking the song!

Then it got to the part in the video where they call out "Everyday I'm Shuffling!" It was after that line that they proceeded to do engage in just about every dance move that I and my friends had ever done during our 4 years of high school! They were doing the Running Man and the Kid~n~Play The Watusi, and The Charleston. Granted the last two dances were not new to us but thanks to a cheesy move called swing kids, at least the Charleston became popular again.

I decide to play the video for little miss and explain to her that I can do all the dances the lead performers of the group did. After showing her just how well her mom can get down with my bad self, do you know what this child had the nerve to do? She let out and exasperated sigh while shaking her head, reached up and patted the top of mine and told me don't ever do that again! I was floored. I showed her the video again this time breaking down the dance moves and explaining to her what they were called in my day. Again came the exasperated sigh.
"Mom!" she exclaimed. "Those guys say everyday I'm shuffling, not every day I'm doing the Watusi, Charleston, Running Man and kid~n~Play!"

I asked why it was that those two guys as well as she and her friends were allowed to partake in those dances of my youth but I was banned from doing so. Again do you know what that Little Miss of mine had the nerve to say? Her exact words were...
"Well... #1 you're old!"

So there you have it folks. That was my misadventure in dancing and all I can say is sorry for Party Rocking...